lessons

This week I have learned a lesson about myself. I think I knew this, but maybe if I write it down I will remember and prevent disillusionment in the future. I really dislike fakeness. In fact, about the only thing that makes my blood really boil is people doing or saying things solely to get what they want without regard to honesty or truth. Swetal claims she never sees me get mad, and wants to see me lose my temper; the time is now. Although I think it is not nearly as amusing as she imagines, I just tend to run my mouth for a hot minute and then sit down and stay quiet for a while to calm myself down. That’s my anger cycle.

Don't get me wrong. I can be a bitch, and I definitely say and do things that I shouldn't, or feel bad about later. The thing is that I DO feel bad about it. I have a built-in guilt mechanism that makes me feel guilty about a lot of things though, it may have been that catholic elementary school I attended. You know Catholics really enjoy guilt. Returning to the subject...I am honest, all the time. Sometimes it is unwanted honesty, and I definitely say things that have slightly hurtful consequences occasionally, which I tend to regret. But at the same time, I will never say things behind people's backs that I wouldn't to their face, it’s that simple. I also never claim to feel or want things that I really don't in order to manipulate others into giving me what I really want.

This week I have been generally frustrated by people in general. Women are catty and boys suck. I also no longer call any of the guys I know men, because as Mercedes said a little while ago: "Take a minute to think about it, do you really believe any boy we know is actually a man yet? Because they're not." Ha. Why the hell are humans so complicated? And at the same time, our differences as creatures are what draw me to want to know more about people. Gosh.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't smart, if I really want to call my contemplation about human life "being smart." Maybe if I didn't think and ask as many questions out of life I would be happier. At the same time, I would be miserable about the fact that others knew more than me, and that I didn't have the intelligence to know what questions to ask in life to get exactly where I want to go. I wonder if I will ever actually get to "where I want to go," considering I haven't the faintest idea of where that is. Consistently confusing to me is the pull between my Virgo nature to want things organized, planned out and tidy, and my desire to live life in the moment on a day-to-day basis. Hmm, I haven't taken enough anthropology or philosophy classes recently to make me think about other problems in the world and among other peoples, so apparently I'm contemplating myself. Some people wouldn't think that’s such a bad idea, but I generally dislike self-reflection as it gives me a sense of disappointment in myself for some reason. I wish I had all the answers. Would I really be happy if I had all the answers? Answers aren't always good. I suppose I won't ever know, but in the meantime, I will keep on keeping on.